let's go SUNTAN

Monday, November 08, 2004

todae.. woke up pretty late.. no idea why i'm so tired.. perhaps i've been tinking negatively for too long.. mentally tired.. wanna sleep longer to avoid facing the reality.. i simply hate facing the truth.. rather be oblivious.. is that how i shld use the word amelia dear? haha..

went out w my parents.. usually spend my sundays with my family.. my younger sister has been not joining us for she has to studi her O lvls.. poor thing..

went to da singapore expo for da.. food fair! haha.. my parents.. just love to eat lahh.. den.. i saw aisha and danni.. but i din tok to dem at all.. they were working at da registration counter.. kinda guilty for not even saying a quick hello to dem.. sighz..

i tot i saw her.. i'm like.. that cant be her right? i dunno.. that girl.. has features similar to her.. she was the onli girl wearing home clothes.. while the rest of dem were weaking the company's polo tee.. i tot she could be helping out.. or something.. that girl.. has long hair too.. but.. it isnt the same hair style i last saw her in.. i couldn't take my eyes off her.. not becuz she's pretty or anything.. i dun mean she's not pretty or wat lahh.. grr.. omg.. how shld i put it.. just.. tot she might be 'her'.. i kept tinkin and tinking.. my tots were killing me.. sigh.. i felt some heart ache..

darling msg me.. even though he din replied to my msg in da afternoon.. i din msg him like so frequent todae.. partly becuz.. i'm outside w my parents.. weren't feeling that well either.. guess it's all dat imagination of mine that's killing me nowadays.. he asked me to take care! becuz i'm starting work tml.. my my.. and i explain that i wasn't trying to pester or irritate him w my never ending questions abt his working place.. he said he follow da boss.. and said i dun understand.. darling.. it's not that i'm not tryin to understand that.. but u nv told me anything in the first place.. u let my tots run wild.. i tot.. u din wan me to noe.. so i wun haf the chance of meeting up w u.. and.. demanding an explanation frm u.. seriously, if u never reply to my msgs.. ans any of my calls.. i would look for u.. i dun like hanging there like i sae.. so i ask to tok again.. i nv like toking on the phone nowadays w u.. makes me so teary.. but so terrible for i've to control.. how to tok if i'm gonna break down and cry again?

i read some where that reasons why women lives longer den men.. is becuz women cry.. as a form of relieving stress.. and periods help as well.. hmmm.. it's good to cry?

sigh.. so again.. here we go.. keep silence on the phone initially.. sometimes.. i have lots to tell u.. but dunno how to put it in a way that after listening.. u wldn't treat me differently.. cuz i always have weird tinkings.. too imaginative.. it's always me speaking up.. telling u things that i dun like.. etc.. etc.. etc.. it wld haf been great if u tell me too.. although that hurts la.. cuz.. ur usual reaction when i ask whether u haf anything to tell me wld be no.. but if u're gonna say something.. it's definitely not gonna be good.. u sae.. i ask that we stop all these fighting (we were talking on the phone after i finish blogging.. so i din mention that he did call later on.. wasn't a good one.. becuz he was so tired.. i doubt he heard wat i've been saying..) so u decided not to 'break up' or rather haf some cool off period.. and the reason that u wanted to cool off becuz u haf to work.. so?? wat has that got to do w working?? den when we just patch.. we were working also right.. but u made effort of msging.. of coming down after work.. becuz u finish work earlier den me.. when i told u abt these.. u seem to have forgotten wat u haf done for me.. darling.. though i remember the bad stuff.. i remember the happy stuff too! u said.. even if u gonna do all these again.. u felt that i wldnt be satisfy.. wat makes u tink so? i'm not some.. carpet.. now that u're not gonna use me.. u're gonna keep me aside.. u cant always ask me to have some form of cool off w u when u are busy right.. so.. no way am i gonna let u have ur way tis time.. in a relationship.. i strongly believe there's no such things like u're busy so we take a break den when u have more time.. den u continue w the relationship.. that's not how it's gonna be.. we gotta learn to balance.. manage our time.. we gotta understand that we have our stuff to do despite being in a relationship..

we.. talked abt.. our past.. the things we did.. the letters we wrote.. the gifts we bought for each other.. in da past.. me nv work.. allowance.. onli like $20 per wk.. so how to buy stuff for u? now when i'm schooling.. i dun haf $$ to buy u things lor.. so when i work.. den i buy a little lahh.. cant spend everything on u also right.. i got stuff to buy too.. cant expect papa to pay everything..

me asked u lots of stuff... question-and-answer session again.. haha.. u nv sae anything.. so i asked lor.. i like to noe tis and that..

another shocking thing happen when i went to my grandma hse after leaving da expo.. my my.. guess who i saw?! my cousin~ w.. her BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!! omg.. i never told my parents abt my relationships.. it's not that i dun wanna let dem noe.. but.. how to sae? she was eating dinner w her BOYFRIEND at my GRANDMA's HOUSE!!! my my.. she brought the boyfriend to my grandma house to show my aunt i tink.. my parents.. have like.. no REACTION? i'm totally like 'wow' i dunno how to react man.. i wanted to talk to her abt it.. but da bf around.. so quite hard.. i wanna ask her.. how did she do it..!! haha.. how did she tell her parents.. and so on.. when i tok to my mom abt it.. she's like.. u never introduce wat.. i'm like.. it's bad enough i let u caught me red-handed w him.. he was sending me home that night when he just came back frm overseas.. my parents saw us.. but i was walking in front of him up da stairs la.. not even holding hands.. den my mama like so gigglish lor.. when i reach home.. i'm like shit.. how to explain.. den my mama was like.. grumbling to my sister.. saying that i din even introduce my parents to my BOYFRIEND.. HELLO??? u always object.. sae he's not good.. quite hua xin and so on.. den how to tell u that i'm back w the same guy that hurt me the most?

i hope.. we r really fine tis time.. please..

i believe.. we can work it out if we try.. that's why i've been trying to tok to u and so on.. finding out wats wrong.. i dun wanna pretend that nothing is wrong.. when everything seems so wrong..

yt.. u mention abt love vs like.. if.. it's true.. then.. all along.. i've been only liking him.. not loving.. cuz i'm selfish.. i dun wanna let him go.. haha.. me sell fishy wor.. haix.. i mean.. urs is true to a certain extent.. tat's wat i tink.. in a way i haf to agree w u.. if i love him.. and if he's not happy w me.. why make both of us misery when i could 'set him free' and let him find someone who he will be happy with.. right.. that's something i always tell him.. but i.. cant do it.. i dun wanna feel the pain.. of losing someone important.. be it frens.. or wat..

i dreamt that.. me and him.. got married.. shocking.. i noe we wun.. ahah.. for they say.. dreams never come true.. but quite irony.. i was feeling sad and teary when i went to bed.. thanks to crystal for da concern again.. always.. trouble her at night.. but still.. it weird to have such a dream right..

praying that everything's gonna be alright again..

looking out at 11/08/2004 01:51:00 AM