i finally decided to give up the relationship that has been on and off for 5 years.. yeah, 5 bloody years.. with the same guy..

to be frank, i'm amazed at myself.. that i could actually like a person for that long! it's not as if we were together for the whole entire 5 years though.. but oh well..

to start off, i have to say this. i actually dislike people (secondary school mates) coming up to me and ask if we are still together.. as much i wish or want to say yes but the fact is that we are NO LONGER together.. sadly, it has become almost a taboo subject.. we have already broken up since last nov.. i do not know exactly how long we have been together.. estimate it to be about 2 year plus.. (rather pathetic i guess)

i guess it’s really time to let everything go..

the disappointment, pain and agony that i'm having recently is so unbearable that i thought that by committing suicide would be a better option to ease my pain.. but of course, i aint that foolish or stupid..

many months ago, he asked if i would accept his invitation should he decided to hold some form of birthday celebration.. i told him i would, if he doesn’t have a girlfriend yet.. yesterdae was his birthday, however i wasn't “invited” to his birthday outing.. i kinda expected it but still, it’s hard not to be disappointed.. i knew he would made plans to go out with some girl or some friends.. i guess it was both.. looking at his msn nick now, i kinda presume that he actually asked some girl on his birthday to be his girlfriend or something.. or maybe there wasn't any particular meaning to his nick.. i can't help wondering.. i thought that if he has a girlfriend, i might be more willing to let go.. i guess i should stick to that assumption..

i thought that by waiting faithfully for him.. we might eventually get back together.. within these 10 months.. we did somehow try to patch things up.. but it was always him who decided not to.. even though he might be the one who initiate..

i wish that the dinner date that took place 2 months ago did not happen.. den maybe i wouldn’t be so broken hearted then..

i really thought there were some things going on between us.. when u brought our one and only neoprint out.. and said that it was because ur teacher asked to bring photos of/with someone of special meaning or something like that.. even though u also brought along the neoprint of u , yw and km.. i’m still happy..

i really thought there were some things going on between us.. when u wanted to take neoprint with me because we were both wearing stripped shirt.. my heart was smiling the whole night.. as i thought that maybe fate decides to be fair this time and not let us miss each other..

i really thought there were some things going on between us.. when u brought me to manhattan in ps for dinner.. and gave me da good food and said because u dote on me lots..

i really thought there were some things going on between us.. when u tried to hold my waist.. like how u used to do.. to protect me.. to ensure that i will not lose u in the crowd..

i really thought there were some things going on between us.. when u gave me a hug.. on da mrt.. with so many people around.. i still remember the hug.. it was tight.. as though telling me that u wish we were never apart.. that u are sorry.. i wanted to cry in ur embrace.. i wanted to say i really miss u a lot..

i really thought there were some things going on between us.. when u gave me a peck on my cheeks.. i didn’t know u still remember i like u pecking on my cheeks.. it always make me feel so loved..

i really thought there were some things going on between us.. when u admit that things might not turn out this way if u never avoid and let it accumulate.. when u recall the past things that i did.. i wanted to say i’m so sorry baby.. i wish i hasn't reacted that way.. but wat's done is already done.. i know i can't change ur impression of me back then.. but i hope that by being more mature now.. i wouldn't hurt u again..

i really thought there were some things going on between us.. when u agree that u do have some regrets.. i always hope that we can be together again so that i can make it up to u..

i really thought there were some things going on between us.. when u remember to ask me how my papers went the very next day after i told u about my exams..

i really thought there were some things going on between us.. when u mention about the noodle stall that is near my house which we frequent during secondary school..

i really thought there were some things going on between us.. when u told me about the amulet that u wanted to give me a few years back.. which i didnt take..

i really thought there were some things going on between us.. when you mention about the noodle stall we frequent when we were

i really thought there were some things going on between us.. when u bought nemo poster for me.. and was so happy about it.. wanting to meet me and give it to me.. yet, till now i haven take it from u..

all these.. i aint sure whether they did happen.. how can i be sure that they really did happen when u said.. u bought poster for ur sister as well.. i still remember.. the way u said it.. the way u tried to make me realise.. that.. actually, there wasn’t anything..

when i asked if i am jus like ur normal friends.. u said i was more than an important friend.. and i didn’t hear from u for a week.. all i wanted was assurance.. and not confirmation.. i don't care if u don't have time for me.. i really don't.. but sadly, when i clarify with u again over the phone on ur birthday.. u said u have a lot of more than an important friend.. i aint the only one..

why did u change so fast? didn't u realise that i am still pinning and waiting for u? i really wanna know who did u fall for this time.. maybe knowing nothing is better than knowing something..
It was such a torture when I felt that it had all been my wishful thinking that eventually, after everything (his projects, assignment) that we will patch back again.. it was stupid, I tell you.. to think that way.. obviously, it wasn’t when he rejected me again and again of meeting up.. it doesn't matter how long i get to see him, i don't care if he only spare me 5 mins of his time..

after all these, i realised that the duration of a relationship really doesn't matter.. to me, i’m willing to hold on to this relationship because i believe it’s worth.. we been through 5 years.. but then again, it might be me feeling that i have a responsibility towards u.. i don't even know if i like u or not.. i no longer know how to differentiate the feelings..

i guess i'm really tired.. as much as I want to be loved again.. it's almost not possible.. at least not for the time being.. i wished i had heed the advice of many people of not going back to him a year ago.. i wish i was strong enough to let go of everything 10 months ago when he called it off again.. i always said that i have no decision making power in this relationship but i was jus too weak to decide anything for us..

looking at your msn nick.. i presume that you have fallen in love another girl.. i wonder who she is.. i always believe that i was never the substitute for any girl.. after all, i'm the one that you had loved for years.. i guess i maybe terribly wrong..

boy, i sincerely wish you happiness.. do not look back again.. if u decide to be with her.. if u really have someone in mind already, i wish u had told me the truth.. and not deny like the other time u did..

as i walk through the dark alley on my own..

i'll be fine.. i'll be stronger than you can ever imagine.. (mentally alright? haha)